Funnies from The South

• A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

• There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

• There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one’s seen before. 

• If it grows, it’ll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

• ‘Onced’ and ‘Twiced’ are words.

• It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy

• ‘Jaw-P’? means ‘Did ya’ll go to the bathroom’?

• People actually grow and eat okra.

• ‘Fixinto’ is one word. It means ‘I’m fixing to do that’.

• There is no such thing as ‘lunch’. There is only dinner and then there is supper.

• Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

• Backwards and forwards means ‘I know everything about you’

• The word ‘jeet’ is actually a phrase meaning ‘Did you eat?

• You don’t have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.

• You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH ‘em.

• ‘No, Jew?’ is a common response to the question, ‘Did you bring any beer?’

• You measure distance in minutes.

• You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

• All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

• You know what a ‘DAWG’ is.

• You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car

• You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tony’s, Tabasco and ketchup.

• The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports and motor sports, and gossip.

• You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

• You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit ‘a bit warm’.

• You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

• Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as ‘goin’ Wal-Martin’ or ‘off to Wally World’.

• You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather.

• Fried catfish is the other white meat.

• We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive dag-nabbit.

• You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.